How do you write about something that has hurt you so much already? Why would i want to face it again? Relieve it all over again, the hurt, the torture, the feeling of not want to feel at all? Who would want to put themselves through that?
I've been asking myself those questions lately as I try to figure out why I was having such writer's block with this post It's because I don't want to face those emotions. They were emotions I never wanted to feel in my lifetime, let alone face them again just because.
I've know lose in my life. I've know the hurt that comes with losing them. But nothing could have ever prepared me for that Sunday morning.
My parents let my brother and I sleep in the Ronald McDonald House the night before and they slept in the hospital. When we woke up Clayton read a post on caring bridge that said Emma's swelling was up in her brain again and they were not doing another surgery. My thought to myself "don't worry mom and dad haven't called everything is all right". But Clayton didn't agree and got ready regardless and while he was in the shower my dad called. He told us to come over because we had slept long enough. Typical dad, waking us up early in the morning, early bird gets the worm, if he's awake everyone else should be too. That's why I continued to shut our any possibility of anything being wrong. But somewhere I felt it, I just kept pushing it away.
But then, before we even walked throught the hospital doors we saw two cars pull up that made us wonder what our parents weren't telling us. We walked up with them, still trying to believe nothing was wrong but it was becoming much harder. The wonder was itching inside, the fear was pushing its way to the surface. That was until I saw my mom walk down the hall from my sister's room. I can still see it to this day, she looked like she had been crying for days. She hugged me, I no longer could believe nothing was wrong. The fear and anxiety was overwhelming me, my mind was demanding to know what was wrong. My mom hugged me and told me she loved me, as she continued to hold me in her arms, I replied "I love you too, but what is going on?" She told me we would talk about it in a minute. That only made my fear grow and my anxiety heighten.
Everyone stood there and stared with sorrow in their eyes, and I just stood there worried, confused, and scared. I just wanted to know what was going on, I didn't want to wait. But waiting was all I could do, wait until we were in the same small waiting room as the night of Emma's accident.
My parents sat my brother and I in this room, my mom sat by my brother and I next to him, my dad stood in front of us and told us there was nothing else the doctors could do for her and she was on her way to heaven. I have never seen my father cry before, but as he told us this he cried and my brother embraced him instantly. All I could do was freeze. I just froze, I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want to feel anything. I couldn't lose her and certainly not now. We were suppose to grow old together, we prayed together, she was my go to, my best friend, my one and only sister. Then it just hit me and I sobbed and i didn't even feel as if I was in control of my body anymore. I was barely aware of the family who was holding me as I cried.
After awhile Child Life came into talk to us, ask us if we want to do anything like fingerprints and stuff like that to have to remember of her, or ask questions, whatever we wanted to talk about. But the questions we had they couldn't answer. It was in God's hands, all we could do was continue to pray and be with her. So we went to her room and sat with her talked to her, prayed with her, cried.
Then I as I tried to leave the room for some air my grandma stopped me outside the room and told me I was going to want to hear this so I went back into the room. A short time later her, my dad and a doctor came into the room. And this is the moment I will always remember, the doctor asked, "So Grace, I understand you work with people with disabilities?" So much weight was lifted off my shoulders, because without him saying it I knew there was still hope for my sister. And disability or not it was better than the previous news. Then long story short he followed it up with "If you're not giving up neither are we..."
It is funny how two different doctors can have way different looks. Imagine if the second doctor hadn't taken a second look, well I don't even want to! But prayers were defiantly answered that day, and we were blessed yet again with another miracle. The inspiration grew from that Sunday morning.
By stretching forth thine hand to heal; and that signs and wonders may be done by the name of thy holy child Jesus. -Acts 4:30
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