Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

"Don’t be overly concerned about what other people think of you and your decisions. Most of them are not thinking about you as much as you might imagine that they are anyway."

 -Joyce Meyer

💥 BOOM 💥 TRUTH BOMB 💣 

So much of my anxiety, worry and self image is based on how I think others are viewing me and my choices. But ya know what they could careless. They are off worrying about their own issues, daily tasks, and probably if I’m judging their decisions as well. Why do I consume so much of my day worrying about why others may think of me and my choices? 

It’s taken me years to learn to love myself and how I look. I look back at pictures of high school me and wish I was kinder to that girl. She was beautiful. Why did I tell her things like she is ugly, fat, and undesirable? Awful. I was awful to her. I was my biggest bully. I also thought that’s how others viewed me and if I beat them to the punch it might hurt less if they ever said it to me. I grew up hating myself. My mom told me I was beautiful but I just kept telling myself "she’s your mom she has to say that". And then would look in the mirror and say hurtful things about myself. 

Since then I’ve heard others out loud in front of others speak this way of themselves and it hurt me. They were so beautiful how could they say this of themselves? I would tell them to speak kinder of themselves. After awhile of challenging them to say positive things about themselves every time they said something negative I started to realize I do the same thing, but by myself. This still is no different I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. This also made me think, if I worry that others think the awful things of me that I tell myself and they think the same things of themselves, yet they are so not true, are others really seeing me how I think they are?

I can’t say what day I woke and just loved myself. It’s been a long journey. I found my way back with God. I learned to love my father while learning to say kinder things to myself. I still have my days where I catch myself in the mirror and I tell myself "wow you’re so bloated and fat today". Heck, just last week I was so off I spent three days telling myself I’m fat, how could my boyfriend love me, etc. Seriously, I had to ask him if he still liked me. That’s how down I was on myself. THREE days I did this to myself. 

Again I had to ask myself how can I spend my time telling my friends how beautiful and adored they are and not allow myself to feel that way about myself? I told myself I need to be easier on myself. Sure I was bloated, that happens sometimes, I’m not gonna be bloated forever. Anxiety really sucks sometimes it grabs one negative thought and takes it for a run, in this case we took a marathon. But I was shown grace and support by those around me. My boyfriend kindly reminded me to stop thinking like that and that of course he likes me, my friend let me cry out my emotions and talk it out. We also ate pizza, she sure knows what I need for comfort.i fell back into my devotionals and setting aside time each day to spend time with God. I’m stronger in my confidence when my relationship with Him is at its strongest.  

I spent so much time worried about what others thought. When all that matters is what God thinks. I’m so adored and loved by Him, so what am I so worried about? God also put amazing people in my life who see me in such a way that I can’t always see myself. I’m so blessed to have those people in my life to be apart of my confidence journey. 

So ladies, gents, it’s not always going to be a strut of confidence. Sometimes you’re going to have creeping thoughts of what others think. Sometimes you’re going to have your own thoughts that get you down. Pray. Find your support system and lean on them. You are so loved and adored. Next time you’re in front of that mirror be kinder to yourself, because you ARE the fairest of the all. There is no one else like you. ♥️

Two Way Street

When it comes to your relationships are you driving alone on a one way road? Or are you driving together on a two way highway?

For relationships to truly flourish and grow strong you need to be working together, for each other, sharing the drive. 

Life is going to get crazy. That's a given. You will have other relationships you are working to maintain as well. You will meet new people along the way and work on building trust and relationships with them. You have a job or jobs. And you have your family. So much driving, so much work. That's a lot to balance. 

Sometimes it gets overwhelming trying to balance it all, thats when it's important to have people in your life sharing that burden with you. Someone willing to share the drive. But sometimes you might start to feel like you're the only one driving. This is when you must ask yourself, who else is driving with me? Who else is working towards maintaining and strengthening the relationship with you? Who is expecting you to do all the driving?

Friendships shouldn't work like that. You both need to be putting in the effort. Like I said life can get really busy but take the time to text each other a reminder that you're thinking of each other. Even a "I miss you" GIF. Those are my favorite personally. Don't always wait for them to tell you when they are free, send them a text and ask them when is the next time you guys can hang out. Or even set up some Skype or FaceTime dates. We have way too much technology at our finger tips for us to not put in even the simplest of effort, so share the road. 

Just like your relationship with Jesus it's important to put in that time and effort. To maintain and keep any relationship strong you need to put in the time. Just as you make time for your daily Devos, make time for your friends and family as well. 

But even if you're the one doing all the driving, you're not driving alone. Jesus is always shot gun. 

An Open Letter to my Heartbroken, Tired, and Weary Community.

You’re heartbroken. I feel you.

You’re tired. I feel you.

You’re weary. I FEEL YOU.

I feel as you feel.

                Community, we’ve been through a lot together. We’ve celebrated together; we suffered together, we’ve felt together, and never failed to stand together. I couldn’t be more blessed to be a part of a community that stands together, comfort, supports and loves together. Without those things I wouldn’t have made it through my own tragedy. But because you felt what I felt a small part of the burden was lifted. It was lifted from me. It was lifted from my family. You made sure we felt your love, your support, your compassion and love.

                The church teaches of community. They teach of the importance of togetherness/fellowship. They teach of love, support, compassion towards your community. (If they don’t I’d suggest finding a new church.) They may be talking about finding that community in church. Don’t get me wrong I feel the community from my church, but I feel it from you all as well community.

When I search the definition of community this is what I find,

                                Community: noun.

1.       A group of people living in the same place or having characteristic in common.

2.       A feeling of fellowship with others as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests and goals.

But if I were to define community I would chose to write this.

                                Community: LOVE.

1.       A place I call home, a place I feel love, supported, and compassion from others. A place where I see Jesus’ work.

Every time we suffer we come out stronger. God is building an army of believers! Are we going to face the challenges ahead to stand up to that call from God? With every trial we face together we show Him we are up to the challenge. We stand taller, stronger and still together. Wow. Community. My community. OUR community.

Community, I know you’re tired. I know you’re heartbroken. I know you’re weary. I am too. This morning I told myself I was over feeling tired, weary and heartbroken. But when I took a look at my community, the things we’ve been through and how it’s shaped our community. How it’s strengthened our community. How could I give into the hurt and heartbreak? So take a look at your community, our community. Let’s stand together. We’ve done it before. We’re doing it now. And will most likely have to do it again in the future. Always remember, “He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak.” Isaiah 40:29.

So to my tired, weary, heartbroken community, we will gain strength, we will find the power and will to keep going. We will find these things in Him. We will find them in each other. He has built a community of people that I’m proud to be a part of. Seek His strength. Seek your community’s strength.

Thanks community for teaching so much about His love, His strength, His compassion. Thanks for living a Christ like life. Thanks for always going above and beyond to help your neighbor. Thank you for standing together. Thank you for praying together. Thank you. 

My strength. Feel that.

My love. Feel that.

My support. Feel that.

My compassion. FEEL THAT.

Feel what I feel as I once felt what you felt. I want to lift some of your burden community.

Faith

Faith. A noun, meaning complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Putting all your trust into someone or something could possibly be one of the hardest thing anyone ever does, because as humans it is our nature to want full control on our lives. After all it is OUR life, right? And there maybe reasons from your past that makes you hesitant to trust again.

But my biggest lesion through this certain time in my life was that exact thing- FAITH AND TRUST. I needed to be able to put all my trust in God and believe with all my heart that he would answer our prayers. Trust that even if he didn't answer them how we thought they should be, that he would come through in a different way. Through comfort and promise of peace.

There's a story from Matthew 14 that I think really goes along with Emma's accident, when Jesus walks on water. If you are unfamiliar with this story here is a summary.

Jesus made the disciples get on a boat and go on without him. And shortly before dawn Jesus decided to join them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him the became afraid and thought he was a ghost. Then Jesus called out to them, "Take courage! It is I. Do not be afraid." Peter wanted Jesus to prove it was truly him by asking Peter to join him on the water. So Jesus did just that and so did Peter. As Peter walked towards him he noticed the wind and became afraid and then started to sink. Peter cried out "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "Why did you doubt?" Then they got in the boat and worshiped him. 

In this story it shows what faith can do and even if you fail to have faith Jesus will still save you. Even though Peter doubt Jesus and started to sink, Jesus did not hesitate to save him from drowning. I feel this story compares to Emma's accident in these 5 ways:

1.) Jesus sent us on our own, like he did with the disciples on the boat, but never expected us to do everything on our own. he just wanted to show us that we need him, to prove our faith.

2.) Next, the wind. I see Emma's accident as the wind that Peter feared. It caused us fear and became a test of our faith and trust in Jesus.

3.) But Jesus came back to us even though there were times we doubted in him. We wanted proof of Him and wondered why we should put all our faith in him. Emma was hanging on for her life and we had no answers. That's all we wanted was answers, signs, anything. 

4.) So we then joined Him on the water, wanting so badly to put our trust into. We never stopped praying and fighting, but there seemed to still be this doubt and fear that was there sourrounded us. Just as Peter when he saw the wind. We began to sink, pleaing and crying out for Jesus to help us and to save Emma. 

5.) Finally, even though we doubted him, he saved us and brough us back to the surface. He healed Emma slowly over time and we still continue to see him healing her daily. So we continue to worship and keep faith in him, because he truly is the son of God! 

Has there ever been a time in your life in which you have doubted Him and Lost your faith? 

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody, is to trust them." -Ernest Hemingway

Roller Coaster Sunday...

How do you write about something that has hurt you so much already? Why would i want to face it again? Relieve it all over again, the hurt, the torture, the feeling of not want to feel at all? Who would want to put themselves through that?

I've been asking myself those questions lately as I try to figure out why I was having such writer's block with this post It's because I don't want to face those emotions. They were emotions I never wanted to feel in my lifetime, let alone face them again just because.

I've know lose in my life. I've know the hurt that comes with losing them. But nothing could have ever prepared me for that Sunday morning. 

My parents let my brother and I sleep in the Ronald McDonald House the night before and they slept in the hospital. When we woke up Clayton read a post on caring bridge that said Emma's swelling was up in her brain again and they were not doing another surgery. My thought to myself "don't worry mom and dad haven't called everything is all right". But Clayton didn't agree and got ready regardless and while he was in the shower my dad called. He told us to come over because we had slept long enough. Typical dad, waking us up early in the morning, early bird gets the worm, if he's awake everyone else should be too. That's why I continued to shut our any possibility of anything being wrong. But somewhere I felt it, I just kept pushing it away. 

But then, before we even walked throught the hospital doors we saw two cars pull up that made us wonder what our parents weren't telling us. We walked up with them, still trying to believe nothing was wrong but it was becoming much harder. The wonder was itching inside, the fear was pushing its way to the surface. That was until I saw my mom walk down the hall from my sister's room. I can still see it to this day, she looked like she had been crying for days. She hugged me, I no longer could believe nothing was wrong. The fear and anxiety was overwhelming me, my mind was demanding to know what was wrong. My mom hugged me and told me she loved me, as she continued to hold me in her arms, I replied "I love you too, but what is going on?" She told me we would talk about it in a minute. That only made my fear grow and my anxiety heighten.

Everyone stood there and stared with sorrow in their eyes, and I just stood there worried, confused, and scared. I just wanted to know what was going on, I didn't want to wait. But waiting was all I could do, wait until we were in the same small waiting room as the night of Emma's accident.

My parents sat my brother and I in this room, my mom sat by my brother and I next to him, my dad stood in front of us and told us there was nothing else the doctors could do for her and she was on her way to heaven. I have never seen my father cry before, but as he told us this he cried and my brother embraced him instantly. All I could do was freeze. I just froze, I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want to feel anything. I couldn't lose her and certainly not now. We were suppose to grow old together, we prayed together, she was my go to, my best friend, my one and only sister. Then it just hit me and I sobbed and i didn't even feel as if I was in control of my body anymore. I was barely aware of the family who was holding me as I cried. 

After awhile Child Life came into talk to us, ask us if we want to do anything like fingerprints and stuff like that to have to remember of her, or ask questions, whatever we wanted to talk about. But the questions we had they couldn't answer. It was in God's hands, all we could do was continue to pray and be with her. So we went to her room and sat with her talked to her, prayed with her, cried. 

Then I as I tried to leave the room for some air my grandma stopped me outside the room and told me I was going to want to hear this so I went back into the room. A short time later her, my dad and a doctor came into the room. And this is the moment I will always remember, the doctor asked, "So Grace, I understand you work with people with disabilities?" So much weight was lifted off my shoulders, because without him saying it I knew there was still hope for my sister. And disability or not it was better than the previous news. Then long story short he followed it up with "If you're not giving up neither are we..."

It is funny how two different doctors can have way different looks. Imagine if the second doctor hadn't taken a second look, well I don't even want to! But prayers were defiantly answered that day, and we were blessed yet again with another miracle. The inspiration grew from that Sunday morning. 

By stretching forth thine hand to heal; and that signs and wonders may be done by the name of thy holy child Jesus. -Acts 4:30 

When Everything Changed...

October 27th 2013, I was at work around 2 am my cell phone rang, it was my mom. First thing that went through my mind before answering was that my grandma was once again in the hospital. But I never imagined I'd be this thrown by a phone call. My mom muttered the words "Your sister has been involved in a car accident. And she's being life flighted to Des Monies." At that exact moment my life changed.

Everything became a blur. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know if I should believe it. My mind and body froze. When I gathered myself enough I called my boss to see if anyone could cover the rest of my shift, she came in for me. She sat with me until my aunt picked me up.

When some of the shock started to drifted away  I began to feel hate. I wanted to kill the man who did this to my sister. I didn't know exactly what happened and I didn't care at that time. My sister was in critical condition and he wasn't, my sister was the one fighting for her life and he wasn't. These were all the emotions I felt on the all too long drive down to the hospital. 

After getting to the hospital and seeing my mom, dad and brother that made those emotions slide. I knew I had them to fight through this with but most importantly my sister had us! As we waited for her to get our of surgery I could feel the feelings of hate shirking and focusing more on my family and my sister. Though I knew those feelings of hate still lingered. And I found them when I saw my sister for the first time after her accident. 

No amount of talking about what I would see when seeing her for the first time could have prepare me for that sight or the emotions I was about to feel. My sister, my best friend, laying in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere, her hair gone, just laying there. Everyone in silence then my dad said some words of hate towards the guy who hit her and I felt my hate begin to rise again inside.

I suppose I'm like my father in that way, my impulse to hate, to protect. When I see someone I love in pain my reaction is to hate or protect.I can't help it. And when it comes to my family that is heightened, some times I'm so blinded by the hate and anger I don't know what has happened until its done. I could have started and ended a fight before I even knew it. Especially when it comes to my siblings, I always let this defensive mode come into play when it came to them. I loved them and no one was going to hurt them but me was always my motto. But in this situation there was nothing I could to do to protect or defend her. I was defenseless. that tore me up and broke me down and left me with nothing but hate. All I felt I could do was HATE! 

As the time wen on, she still lay in coma I started to realize all I has was my family and they needed me, I needed them. I needed to focus on something else. I prayed every day I began to feel that hate. I prayed for my sister, I prayed for the other driver. I prayed for the other driver not because I don't think he should pay for what he did but I think he should truly learn from his mistakes, find his way and admit his mistakes. I let go of my hate and anger towards him and gave it to God. I don't know if I fully forgive him for what he did just yet but I'm praying and working towards it. Its hard when I look at my sister and am constantly reminded of everything he put us through an what we still have to go through. And as for all the hate I felt, which I know is natural in struggles and traumatic events like this but I find comfort in knowing it was okay to feel this way but there was a time for it and a time to let go of it to. As said in Ecclesiastes 3:8 "A time to love, and a time to hate: a time for was, and a time for peace." It was my time to find my peace and I need to find it with God and my family. I struggled with it but I found my way. And I let go and let God.

This struggle my family has gone through has put me through a lot emotionally. I plan to use this blog to put it all out there, maybe even reach another. But overall with everything my family we have made it through by living by faith. "For we live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7