October 27th 2013, I was at work around 2 am my cell phone rang, it was my mom. First thing that went through my mind before answering was that my grandma was once again in the hospital. But I never imagined I'd be this thrown by a phone call. My mom muttered the words "Your sister has been involved in a car accident. And she's being life flighted to Des Monies." At that exact moment my life changed.
Everything became a blur. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know if I should believe it. My mind and body froze. When I gathered myself enough I called my boss to see if anyone could cover the rest of my shift, she came in for me. She sat with me until my aunt picked me up.
When some of the shock started to drifted away I began to feel hate. I wanted to kill the man who did this to my sister. I didn't know exactly what happened and I didn't care at that time. My sister was in critical condition and he wasn't, my sister was the one fighting for her life and he wasn't. These were all the emotions I felt on the all too long drive down to the hospital.
After getting to the hospital and seeing my mom, dad and brother that made those emotions slide. I knew I had them to fight through this with but most importantly my sister had us! As we waited for her to get our of surgery I could feel the feelings of hate shirking and focusing more on my family and my sister. Though I knew those feelings of hate still lingered. And I found them when I saw my sister for the first time after her accident.
No amount of talking about what I would see when seeing her for the first time could have prepare me for that sight or the emotions I was about to feel. My sister, my best friend, laying in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere, her hair gone, just laying there. Everyone in silence then my dad said some words of hate towards the guy who hit her and I felt my hate begin to rise again inside.
I suppose I'm like my father in that way, my impulse to hate, to protect. When I see someone I love in pain my reaction is to hate or protect.I can't help it. And when it comes to my family that is heightened, some times I'm so blinded by the hate and anger I don't know what has happened until its done. I could have started and ended a fight before I even knew it. Especially when it comes to my siblings, I always let this defensive mode come into play when it came to them. I loved them and no one was going to hurt them but me was always my motto. But in this situation there was nothing I could to do to protect or defend her. I was defenseless. that tore me up and broke me down and left me with nothing but hate. All I felt I could do was HATE!
As the time wen on, she still lay in coma I started to realize all I has was my family and they needed me, I needed them. I needed to focus on something else. I prayed every day I began to feel that hate. I prayed for my sister, I prayed for the other driver. I prayed for the other driver not because I don't think he should pay for what he did but I think he should truly learn from his mistakes, find his way and admit his mistakes. I let go of my hate and anger towards him and gave it to God. I don't know if I fully forgive him for what he did just yet but I'm praying and working towards it. Its hard when I look at my sister and am constantly reminded of everything he put us through an what we still have to go through. And as for all the hate I felt, which I know is natural in struggles and traumatic events like this but I find comfort in knowing it was okay to feel this way but there was a time for it and a time to let go of it to. As said in Ecclesiastes 3:8 "A time to love, and a time to hate: a time for was, and a time for peace." It was my time to find my peace and I need to find it with God and my family. I struggled with it but I found my way. And I let go and let God.
This struggle my family has gone through has put me through a lot emotionally. I plan to use this blog to put it all out there, maybe even reach another. But overall with everything my family we have made it through by living by faith. "For we live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7
